Things I Am Afraid to Say Out Loud

So I will write them down. Because writing is what I do best.

  1. I have lost many friends recently, and that is the hardest thing I’ve had to endure. My best friend of ten years. Colleagues who don’t want anything to do with me. I don’t know if I should blame myself, or just let life ebb and flow as it does. Deep in my soul, I know that it is not my fault. I am real. I am me. If people do not like that, that is a reflection of who they are. Neither is right. It just is.
  2. I am in debt up to my eyeballs and I cry all the time over it. It’s true. Years of thinking “oh, someday we will be fine” has put me in a place where I don’t know that I will ever get over the guilt of knowing that I did this to myself. To my family.
  3. I never feel good enough. I watch movies, read books, see the things people create, and I just don’t know that I can ever measure to that point. How am I supposed to feel like I am contributing something important to the world if I don’t have the drive, the creativity, the originality, to put something important out there?
  4. I have too many interests, and no passion. My family and my home are the most important thing in my life, but I cannot figure out, for the life of me, what I want to do with myself, professionally. Do I write? Do I design? Do I go back into weddings (which, I will be honest, I don’t feel like I can because I’ve just burned too many bridges)? Every day is something new, and I feel so stupid that I can’t just PICK something. It sounds so selfish and terrible, but having a blank canvas and unlimited possibilities in front of me make me stagnant. I can’t move.
  5. Being a mom is the most important job of my life, but I want so desperately to have it all. I am so fortunate to not HAVE to work, but why is it that I want to? I should feel grateful that my husband provides enough so that I can stay home with my baby, right? Shouldn’t that be enough? This goes back to number 4 – not only do I not HAVE to work, but I don’t even know what I want to do.
  6. I hate the way that I look. I haven’t lost the baby weight, and I don’t know why. I know I like wine, and I don’t really like exercise, but something has got to give. I don’t feel like me anymore, in any way, shape, or form, and I kind of hate it.

I’ve missed sharing my words and my thoughts with all of you. I suppose that’s one good thing to come from just being me right now – I have the freedom to be real, to be me, without the risk of offending someone or losing clients. I’ve already alienated so many people, what is a few more because I decided to, once again, share my soul with the world. That’s all for now. Thanks for being my soundboard.

3 Comments

    1. 1. If friends are leaving over something smalll, where they truly friends? The more I get older. Less friends I have =\
      2.arent we all in debt? Sometimes it feels like we aren’t even making a dent in it but slowly but surely… trust me you are not alone. Most people are in debt but others just ignore it and continue to spend or don’t want to admit it
      3. Trust me… you are very creative. Don’t believe me? Look at your insta! I wish I was half as creative as you!
      4. I can kinda relate with this one… except it feels like everyone around me has their life together and I don’t. Almost 30 and feel like I have progressed in life or started a career… like you I have interests but not much passion. Too be completely honest I wanna be a stay at home mom
      5. & 6.. I’m not a mom (yet) so I don’t know how you feel but I am fat lol… sucks cause I thought I was fat in college and I was eating junk food al the time… now I’m a vegetarian and sober and I’m huge. So sad lol

      I have no idea how you feel but thank you for being real. Most people try to be portray this perfect life but it’s all fake. I love following you because everything is so so cute and organic. Keep posting!

    1. 1. Losing friends is horrible and I’m so, so sorry. I lost one of my best friends 5 years ago and I still miss her all the time.
      2. One of my biggest regrets is going to college. Seriously. I mean, I grew and learned a lot buuuuuuuut I didn’t know what I was doing and that student loan debt………
      3. You’ve already put some really incredible, important and beautiful content out in the world. You will continue.
      4. The idea that your career should be your passion is very nice but it’s not realistic for most people. I actually think that turning an interest into a career is a good way to ruin it.
      5. Can you volunteer? Or get a temp/part time job doing some sort of generic office work. Maybe you’ll love it, maybe you’ll hate it but it might scratch that itch.
      6. You’re beautiful! But if you don’t feel like yourself you have options :) my aunt is a local personal trainer. Let me know if you want her info.

      Thanks so much for coming back! I’ve missed your blog! Love you!

    1. Hi, I can relate to all your thoughts. I hope you feel better having shared them. I certainly know the feeling of having so many interests but no “passions” — and wanting to do/try things, but just never starting them (or barely starting, but not continuing). I call it “analysis paralysis.” Oh, I’m also an event planner & a “creative type” — who also had a breakdown (and too many Ativans) & landed in the hospital. Turned out to lead me to a great experience in learning so much about myself & others. I feel so much more positive & capable now. If you can see my email address, feel free to contact me if you want to talk any further. Remember– your thoughts are not your reality :) One moment at a time!

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