So I will write them down. Because writing is what I do best.
- I have lost many friends recently, and that is the hardest thing I’ve had to endure. My best friend of ten years. Colleagues who don’t want anything to do with me. I don’t know if I should blame myself, or just let life ebb and flow as it does. Deep in my soul, I know that it is not my fault. I am real. I am me. If people do not like that, that is a reflection of who they are. Neither is right. It just is.
- I am in debt up to my eyeballs and I cry all the time over it. It’s true. Years of thinking “oh, someday we will be fine” has put me in a place where I don’t know that I will ever get over the guilt of knowing that I did this to myself. To my family.
- I never feel good enough. I watch movies, read books, see the things people create, and I just don’t know that I can ever measure to that point. How am I supposed to feel like I am contributing something important to the world if I don’t have the drive, the creativity, the originality, to put something important out there?
- I have too many interests, and no passion. My family and my home are the most important thing in my life, but I cannot figure out, for the life of me, what I want to do with myself, professionally. Do I write? Do I design? Do I go back into weddings (which, I will be honest, I don’t feel like I can because I’ve just burned too many bridges)? Every day is something new, and I feel so stupid that I can’t just PICK something. It sounds so selfish and terrible, but having a blank canvas and unlimited possibilities in front of me make me stagnant. I can’t move.
- Being a mom is the most important job of my life, but I want so desperately to have it all. I am so fortunate to not HAVE to work, but why is it that I want to? I should feel grateful that my husband provides enough so that I can stay home with my baby, right? Shouldn’t that be enough? This goes back to number 4 – not only do I not HAVE to work, but I don’t even know what I want to do.
- I hate the way that I look. I haven’t lost the baby weight, and I don’t know why. I know I like wine, and I don’t really like exercise, but something has got to give. I don’t feel like me anymore, in any way, shape, or form, and I kind of hate it.
I’ve missed sharing my words and my thoughts with all of you. I suppose that’s one good thing to come from just being me right now – I have the freedom to be real, to be me, without the risk of offending someone or losing clients. I’ve already alienated so many people, what is a few more because I decided to, once again, share my soul with the world. That’s all for now. Thanks for being my soundboard.