Cultivating Me

This is a rambling post. Be warned. 

Once of the hardest things about dedicating so much time to Robert’s brand is that it isn’t about me anymore. I know how selfish that sounds, believe me, but I’m used to the one being known. I LOVED having a reputation as a wedding designer because it meant that I was good enough at something to be known for it. Working behind the scenes doesn’t give me as much external validation (though I appreciate my husband’s appreciation). I know, in my heart, that it shouldn’t be about how many likes I get on Instagram, but it’s hard to give that up sometimes. I miss having the pageviews on my own blog; I miss being “popular” and part of the cool-kids wedding club.

I have some very clear value-based goals for the year, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the urge to do something with my own name on it. Now that Leo is here, I’m fighting that urge to start that next project – and I don’t even know what that next project would be! I struggle with this constantly; my priorities are my family and my home, Duff the Psych, and my activism. I remind myself of that constantly. It doesn’t always help. 

I found this post today, and it really resonated with me. To be honest, I don’t know where that intersection between my passion and my purpose is. I love cultivating a beautiful lifestyle most of all, but it feels so at odds with my social justice and feminist values. I’m trying, desperately, to reconcile the two, and it seems impossible at times. How am I allowed to put together a stunning tablescape when there is so much injustice in the world? I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I allow the opinions of others to taint this vision for myself. I hate that my anxiety makes me read so much into the words and actions of others that I interpret their work as my own failing. We all have unique callings and I would never fault anyone for dedicating their life to something others would deem unimportant. So why do I hold myself to such a ridiculous standard?

Overthinking is my superpower. 

I love writing and I love blogging, but my reluctance to keep at it stems from the approach other bloggers take. That is, I’m not an expert on anything. Why should I expect other people to have an interest in what I have to say? I think that’s why I try (and fail, at times) to keep from writing “how to” posts. I’ve always considered my blog to be an insight into my own life rather than a tutorial on how to live life – because goodness knows nobody should be taking their cues from me. 

Anyway, I feel like I need to put out a few things into the universe that may make me feel better about all of this. Goals for myself for 2018, rather than for my family or Duff the Psych. Small tasks that I can check off to cultivate me

  • Dedicate a portion of my time to a local community organization (I still haven’t found one that resonates with me). 
  • Focus on developing skills that I enjoy WITHOUT the expectation that I will make a career out of them, such as florals, interior design, history, etc.
  • Nurture relationships with creatives without the expectation that it will turn into a professional relationship (we can create together just for funsies). 
  • Spend time developing my new personal style (this is something I’ve been really focusing on, and it has made me feel about a thousand times better about myself). 
  • Blog more, if for no other reason than my own therapy.

Thanks for being my soundboard. 

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