Home
About
Contact

About

How do the cards always know? Beautiful deck #Mode

How do the cards always know? Beautiful deck #ModernWitchTarot from @lisasterle ✨

Let’s do today, yeah? The kids are off but I’m

Let’s do today, yeah? The kids are off but I’m still technically on, so cross your fingers for me that I actually get a bit done! Not shown: the chips and salsa I’m eating for breakfast.

First things first, ✨ 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕜 𝕪𝕠𝕦 ✨ for all the kind comments and words of encouragement and just overwhelming love that I received after my most recent post on Friday night. To be honest, it didn’t seem like a very big deal for me to post, but I knew that it needed to be said. So thank you for letting me share my ❥ with you!

And now I’m sure you’re thinking...seriously Joelle? You’re going to start sharing photos of yourself in your underwear? And to that I say...yeah? Because this is another thing that I’ve been learning to be more open of recently.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between confidence and self-worth, and how different these two things really are for me.

I am 100% 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚏𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚗𝚝 in who I am and what I believe in. I know that I am a good person with good intentions, just trying to live my life with as much grace and love as possible. And for the first time since having kids, I actually like my body and the way it looks. I refuse to be ashamed of ANY of that. And I refuse to change any of that, because I actually like who I am as a person these days.

What I have a problem with, however, is my sense of 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏-𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚑. It’s not that I hate myself, not in the least. But I don’t necessarily think that self is W O R T H anything. Everything from my physical appearance to professional talents to domestic skills...it just doesn’t feel like I am worth anything when it comes to *other* people.

The reality is, dismantling an internalized system of self-hatred and shame over sex and my body and my experiences takes a LOT of work and time. It’s not going to be an overnight thing, but the best I can do is try.

I’m not fishing for compliments, I promise. But this is something that I really struggle with, every single day. And as I look into the origin of this feeling, I can pinpoint it to the same anxiety and depression that fuels a large part of my life. Because even if I’m worth something in every other realm of my life, those two things are still a flaw, a stain on my permanent record. And how can someone who struggles so badly with mental illness be of any value at all? That, right there, is my biggest struggle within myself.

If it’s alright, I’d like to talk about *love*

If it’s alright, I’d like to talk about *love* this Valentine’s Day.

I don’t know when I realized I wasn’t 💯 straight, but it was a long time ago. Talking about same-sex attraction when I was in high school (2001 to 2005) wasn’t exactly...encouraged. I lived in a pretty conservative area, and was raised in a Christian (albeit fairly liberal) church. Being anything other than straight, while not not necessarily taboo, just wasn’t talked about in any kind of serious way. It was an “other people” kind of thing, okay but not anything MY FAMILY would approve of.

Any attraction I felt to other girls was basically obliterated when I met @duffthepsych. It was 2004, and we fell head over heels for each other, and FAST. Suddenly, all of my focus was on him and nothing else mattered.

He’s always known that I am attracted to women, but again: it just was never talked about. Because it didn’t matter! For the most part we’ve always had an amazing relationship. Our communication would probably scare some couples away, and our sex life has always been on the higher end of average.

A lot of people would ask why it’s even necessary to “come out” as bisexual when I am in a very committed heterosexual relationship, but the answer is in the question. Because it’s something I’ve never felt like I am ALLOWED to claim. I’m in a happy marriage, so nothing else matters...right?

I don’t know that I ever realized how much just suppressing that identity has affected me, how doing so meant that I was actually suppressing a huge part of myself. Other people have literally fought and died for the right to love who they want, but here I am: Still (technically) propping up the status quo. I don’t have a right to a queer identity, do I?

Recently I’ve recognized that my feelings DO matter. My identity is so much more complex than wife and mother. I’m fucking Joelle Duff. Badass event planner. Mental illness sufferer AND survivor. Bi/pansexual (still trying to figure out which label fits me best). Intersectional feminist. Gourmand and tequila aficionado. Lover of all things pink, pretty, and glittery.

This is me. I just hope you’re ready for it.

#comingout

Today is a good day for bubbles and unicorns 💕

Today is a good day for bubbles and unicorns 💕 you should try it some time!

Hi perfect bathtub. I can’t wait to be inside yo

Hi perfect bathtub. I can’t wait to be inside you again 🛁

Follow on Instagram

© 2019 Joelle Charming