This is a hard one for me to write, but it’s also important. Because I see these photos and these plans and I can’t help but wonder why I am doing it all. What makes me qualified to have a blog for people to read? Am I really that vain that I will have photos taken of myself? Not to mention, I’m in a hypomanic episode, which means I have so many ideas and thoughts swirling around in my brain that I feel almost paralyzed. I want to do it all, right now.
When the high of accomplishing something goes away, it’s way too easy to critique what just happened. This is me, at the moment. I’m looking back at my launch, and while I recognize how awesome it was, my brain refuses to let me rest. I don’t get to rest. Hindsight isn’t just a bitch; it’s a bitch that loves to tell me I’m just not good enough.
The world likes to tell us all that we just aren’t enough. We’re supposed to work toward having it all, and if we don’t? We haven’t just failed, but we are failures.
Everybody is going to have an opinion as to what your life should be like. There will be those who think that staying home or having a lifestyle brand means that you won’t reach your fullest potential. There will be those who think that working outside of the home means that you aren’t around enough for your children. There will be those who think that whatever you do is just terrible and you just give up and try to do something else instead.
It’s the patriarchy that likes to tell us these things. I’m not just a failure as a person, but as a woman. We pile expectations on one another until we can’t see the top; instead of looking at it from a realistic perspective, we see ourselves as inadequate.
I just created something amazing, but I can’t help but feel like it isn’t good enough. Or that I neglected other areas of my life in order to make it happen.
What I’ve realized is that I have to love myself. I have to do it for my boys, for my husband, for everything. Loving myself, despite my flaws, is probably the hardest thing I will ever do, but there’s no other way.
I don’t want to love myself. I always say that my depression doesn’t make it so that I hate my life; I have an amazing life. It makes me hate myself.
Loving myself is a radical act. It’s radical and it’s beautiful and it’s really fucking necessary. I HAVE to love myself if I want to change the world.
♢ ♢ ♢ ♢ ♢ ♢
I originally took these photos to be used as a “How to Shop on Poshmark” post, but then I had a moment of clarity. This is my space to be me, and that means sharing my heart and my writing. I’m no expert on how to shop on Poshmark; I’m just an expert at being me. You can find out more about where Joelle Charming is heading here.